Bonnie Comfort Q&A
What inspired you to write this memoir?
I wanted to explore the complexities of marriage, particularly how love and commitment can endure despite deep incompatibilities. Writing this book allowed me to process my own experiences while sharing insights that could help others navigate their relationships.
Why was it important for you to share such personal and intimate details about your marriage?
Without my being specific about the sexual issues between us, a reader wouldn’t fully understand what both and Bob and I were struggling to overcome. Being open about our intimate life was an invitation to combat shame, normalize sexual preferences, and encourage others to be more open so they too could find deeper intimacy and growth in their relationships.
What message do you hope readers take away from your story?
That even professionals who are considered experts on marriage can struggle as I did, and that no marriage is perfect, but insight, understanding, and acceptance can help us sustain relationships, even when they’re deeply flawed.
How did your work as a psychologist influence your perspective on your marriage?
It gave me tools to understand the dynamics at play, but it didn’t make navigating them any easier. In many ways, my personal struggles helped me become a better therapist by deepening my empathy.
Do you see your memoir as a cautionary tale or a love story?
It’s both. It’s a love story about two people who deeply cared for each other, but it’s also a cautionary tale about the dangers of suppressing your own needs or values for the sake of a relationship.
Questions About Bonnie’s Relationship with Bob
How did Bob’s creative career shape your marriage?
Bob’s brilliance brought excitement and joy into our lives, but the highs and lows of his Hollywood career also introduced stress and instability. His creative struggles often became our struggles and his need to get distance from LA resulted in us moving to Oregon, which was a painful loss for me because I loved LA and planned never to leave.
What was it about Bob that made you feel he was “The One” despite your sexual differences?
His humor was irresistible, his insight into himself and me was unique, and his honesty and utter commitment to me all added up to him being “The One.” His great qualities far outweighed our differences, even when they caused tension.
How did you navigate the ethical dilemmas posed by Bob’s sexual requests?
It was a constant balancing act between honoring his desires and staying true to my values. At times, I compromised too much, and at other times, I had to assert my boundaries to preserve my sense of self.
What was the most challenging part of maintaining intimacy in your marriage?
Emotional intimacy was always there. Unshakeable. But Bob’s career disappointments affected his mood, his self-esteem and our relationship. When he was angry and disappointed by another show business frustration, he wanted me to help distract him by sexually indulging him, and that was at my expense. It was always a conundrum for me, wanting to soothe him but not at my own expense.
Looking back, is there anything you would have done differently in your marriage?
I would have been insistent on us going for sex therapy, and when I felt his requests were not good for me, I would have consistently refused. I have learned that you must find the courage to stand up to someone you love rather than acquiescing to your partner out of fear of disappointing him. I sacrificed too much to appease him.
Questions About Writing the Memoir
What was the most difficult part of writing this memoir?
Reliving painful moments and deciding how much to reveal. I wanted to be truthful without sensationalizing or unfairly portraying Bob.
How did you strike a balance between your personal narrative and your professional insights?
I approached the story as a woman first and a psychologist second. My professional insights are woven in naturally, reflecting how I processed these experiences.
What role did reflection play in your writing process?
Reflection was everything. It allowed me to see patterns, understand my choices, and appreciate the love and lessons that endured despite the difficulties.
Did you learn anything new about yourself or your marriage while writing the book?
Absolutely. I realized my own culpability in our sexual dance. It was easy to blame him for our issues, but in writing our story I realized it was clearly my fault too. I didn’t have to say yes. I didn’t have to have affairs to express my anger. In writing our story I realized I had underestimated the resilience of our marriage and the ways Bob might have tried harder to please me. I so wish now I could have talked to him about all of it.
What has been the response from readers or colleagues in your field?
Colleagues and other writers have praised its honesty and insight into the complexities of marriage.