Raised in the 1950s, I learned
the number one rule for women: be pleasing to men.
“A must-read memoir that will touch readers’ hearts and inspire their transformative sexual work.”
“Poignant anecdotes and practical wisdom … perfect for readers seeking inspiration for navigating the rocky terrain of long-term relationships.”
“A profoundly personal memoir … you will understand the secret sexual disappointments that so many American women experience.”
“Comfort shows how old wounds and coping styles fuel conflict between partners. A startling and beautiful story that will inspire.”
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Staying Married includes themes of marriage, shame, grief, and finding the courage to disappoint the one you love.
Staying Married includes themes of infidelity, sexual conflict, shame, grief, and finding the courage to disappoint the one you love.
Things I’ve learned
Grief is a Beast with Long Legs
It sits on your chest. It hides in your closet. It accompanies you to parties. You used to be part of a couple. Now you’re a Plus One. You used to know exactly what to buy in the supermarket. Now it doesn’t matter. You used to know one thing about your future: you’d be sharing it with your partner. Now instead there’s only the Beast, and without the Beast, your body feels like there’s no invisible protection around you, as if you have no skin. Holding the memories of your dear Other alive in your mind protects you from feeling entirely alone. The Beast is your pain and your endless connection to the One who is gone.
The good news is that gradually your beast transforms into a friendly, domesticated animal who can still growl occasionally, but mostly curls up in a corner, content to be your emotional support companion. Grief eases with time, and healing, and new experiences.
Something New …
After Bob died, I felt disoriented, free-floating, and uneasy. What was I to do with this yawning space of free time?
I started attending a dance class, and 14 years later I still go. I found new friends there, and learned to move my body in different ways (I mean would I have intentionally walked backward three times a week if not for that?).
I also took a drawing class, and then a painting class, and I loved it. Here are a few of my drawings and paintings. My focus has always been on words in psychotherapy and writing, so visual art felt refreshing, an expression from a different part of me.
What might you try this year that’s new? This doesn’t have to be triggered by a life-altering event. It just requires you letting your mind roam in answer to this question:
If I could do anything I feel like trying, what would it be?
Novelty keeps you vital. It creates a life that expands rather than contracts. And it begins by deciding you’re going to try something new.